Wow is all I can say. About the third worst day I've had in as many months.
This is a drunken post; everything is fleeting.
Thank you for guiding me home safe, by the way. This will probably mark the first time I've referenced God. Yay for Lent. Duh.
It's 4 fucking AM why am I awake and feeling sorry for myself? Oh right, it's because:
Who I am up until this point is obviously not enough. For anyone. For the record, I have no idea why this is, or what the FUCK is wrong with me and consequently, I do not know how the FUCK I can make it right.
Who I am will NEVER be enough.
I do not think I am ANGRY. Just HURT.
Disappointment is something I've had to live with all my life, and yet I'm never used to it.
You are right, I am NOT HAPPY. But I do not know what that is, whether that exists anymore. Maybe it's just a myth people spread around to make them forget that it doesn't really hold weight. It has been too long and too little and it's always tainted and it's NOT a state of mind I don't care what the book says.
I want to feel complete.
Maybe Plan A never existed. Maybe this is all I get. Like stillborn children. That's it. You don't really get a choice.
I have no idea how to REACT. What do you want from me? How do you want me to take this?
People always end with questioning my HEART. I'm sorry it's under FUCKING repair. And maybe even if it wasn't, there's just not FUCKING enough of it to live the life THAT I WANT.
You know that I want this, right? That I would do anything to make this work?
This is in NO WAY making me feel better.
at some point, it's all plan B
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Some Dance To Remember
Does it, in fact, get better?
...
Today I should be in Rome, but I'm not thanks to a faulty travel agency and my genuine cluelessness of how to get from point A to point B. It would have been nice to be back there even for just a couple of days, even if it's for work. Besides, me and the Trevi fountain need to talk. We had a deal, yo.
...
Thursday through Sunday was tiring, but it was a good kind of tiring. The kind of weekend I wanted to have since I had weekends. I want to take one moment from that weekend, and stretch it infinitely in time in both directions.
...
Team Rillo are ABL champions for their division this year, two years after I "retired". They obviously did not miss my 0.000001 point average (1 lousy free throw in three seasons). How sweet it is!
...
Congratulations to the not-so-newlyweds. Thanks for telling us after three months. Uh, how sweet it is!
...
I don't want to be head-barely-above-water guy. Or weak-link guy. Or no-filter-in-my-head guy. Or even guitar guy. Who I am here at this point is not who I want to be. I want an identity. I just don't know what that is yet.
...
I know I am going to get an earful tomorrow/later. I will be strong for/because-of you.
...
Does it, in fact, get better?
...
Today I should be in Rome, but I'm not thanks to a faulty travel agency and my genuine cluelessness of how to get from point A to point B. It would have been nice to be back there even for just a couple of days, even if it's for work. Besides, me and the Trevi fountain need to talk. We had a deal, yo.
...
Thursday through Sunday was tiring, but it was a good kind of tiring. The kind of weekend I wanted to have since I had weekends. I want to take one moment from that weekend, and stretch it infinitely in time in both directions.
...
Team Rillo are ABL champions for their division this year, two years after I "retired". They obviously did not miss my 0.000001 point average (1 lousy free throw in three seasons). How sweet it is!
...
Congratulations to the not-so-newlyweds. Thanks for telling us after three months. Uh, how sweet it is!
...
I don't want to be head-barely-above-water guy. Or weak-link guy. Or no-filter-in-my-head guy. Or even guitar guy. Who I am here at this point is not who I want to be. I want an identity. I just don't know what that is yet.
...
I know I am going to get an earful tomorrow/later. I will be strong for/because-of you.
...
Does it, in fact, get better?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Deep Will Only Bring You Down
I want need to know, at the core, what is wrong with me. Why do I believe in the things I do.
...
I am brought back, unsurprisingly, to the fall of '95. Coming to school and having to face you day after day after day and prove/pretend that I was strong enough to take it all in. For a minute I find solace that then it was way worse, and not because I'm older/wiser/stronger now; pound for pound, it was a much harder battle to fight.
And then I remember that it almost killed me.
...
I find myself having fits of melancholy, if there were such a thing. It doesn't matter if it's when I wake up, driving on the way to work, at work, on a break, having dinner, laid out on the beach, on a plane, alone, with friends, at a party, out at sea, writing documents, jamming, crossing the street, on the phone, watching television, blogging, going to sleep, asleep. It just hits, hard.
...
I'm back from the islands and I will take it for what it is. Three days of sun and sand and sea and shakes. What it is not: that magical place people describe on other blogs. I've lost the capacity for that.
What I will take with me from that trip:
Playing frisbee on the second day. Just throwing and catching in the sea in the late afternoon, next to the topless European.
Sitting next to my sleeping friends while sipping shakes.
The stars, of course. When the night clouds finally gave way.
Explaining what the symbol on Heroes looks like to the henna tattoo artist.
Hearing New Deep just before leaving for Manila. The soundtrack to our lives.
...
I am brought back, unsurprisingly, to the fall of '95. Coming to school and having to face you day after day after day and prove/pretend that I was strong enough to take it all in. For a minute I find solace that then it was way worse, and not because I'm older/wiser/stronger now; pound for pound, it was a much harder battle to fight.
And then I remember that it almost killed me.
...
I find myself having fits of melancholy, if there were such a thing. It doesn't matter if it's when I wake up, driving on the way to work, at work, on a break, having dinner, laid out on the beach, on a plane, alone, with friends, at a party, out at sea, writing documents, jamming, crossing the street, on the phone, watching television, blogging, going to sleep, asleep. It just hits, hard.
...
I'm back from the islands and I will take it for what it is. Three days of sun and sand and sea and shakes. What it is not: that magical place people describe on other blogs. I've lost the capacity for that.
What I will take with me from that trip:
Playing frisbee on the second day. Just throwing and catching in the sea in the late afternoon, next to the topless European.
Sitting next to my sleeping friends while sipping shakes.
The stars, of course. When the night clouds finally gave way.
Explaining what the symbol on Heroes looks like to the henna tattoo artist.
Hearing New Deep just before leaving for Manila. The soundtrack to our lives.
Monday, March 05, 2007
The Rest Of Me Is Dead
I will try to talk/think of something else.
Our new guitarist should realize that his fuzz effects has an off button. Another good reason to go minimalist in terms of distortion. I suddenly so appreciate my Super Overdrive. And two words: bridge pickup! Pleeeeease!
I don't mean to sound like Jack Black, but I think I need to teach a course on rock history. Names that will not come up: Creed, Lifehouse.
Saturday was a ridiculously trafficky day. Somehow ended up on Katipunan for a late late lunch. I know there are plenty of haters, but win or lose...
Slight drizzle on Saturday night triggered a change of plans and ended up eating ay Cyma. Yes, I will invite you to go out and be totally silent all night and it will be normal.
There are bite size special Nestle Crunch bars that have peanut butter, caramel or melted chocolate in them. Mom bought some home from Subic. It's really effing good. Is this sold anywhere else?
Went to production last week and was not without issues. But all things considered and given our/my luck, it was pretty uneventful (a good thing). I am so relieved. But...
I find that for someone obsessed with the idea of cause and effect (actual or potential), I can't connect the dots on how we got here.
It's weird, but its beginning to feel like my favorite time of the work week is Wednesday afternoon at three. That's when for at least thirty minutes I get to take the mask off.
I'm off to the beach in T-minus three days. "I'll ride the wave/Where it takes me/I'll hold the pain/
Release me.
Our new guitarist should realize that his fuzz effects has an off button. Another good reason to go minimalist in terms of distortion. I suddenly so appreciate my Super Overdrive. And two words: bridge pickup! Pleeeeease!
I don't mean to sound like Jack Black, but I think I need to teach a course on rock history. Names that will not come up: Creed, Lifehouse.
Saturday was a ridiculously trafficky day. Somehow ended up on Katipunan for a late late lunch. I know there are plenty of haters, but win or lose...
Slight drizzle on Saturday night triggered a change of plans and ended up eating ay Cyma. Yes, I will invite you to go out and be totally silent all night and it will be normal.
There are bite size special Nestle Crunch bars that have peanut butter, caramel or melted chocolate in them. Mom bought some home from Subic. It's really effing good. Is this sold anywhere else?
Went to production last week and was not without issues. But all things considered and given our/my luck, it was pretty uneventful (a good thing). I am so relieved. But...
I find that for someone obsessed with the idea of cause and effect (actual or potential), I can't connect the dots on how we got here.
It's weird, but its beginning to feel like my favorite time of the work week is Wednesday afternoon at three. That's when for at least thirty minutes I get to take the mask off.
I'm off to the beach in T-minus three days. "I'll ride the wave/Where it takes me/I'll hold the pain/
Release me.
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