I have no idea what I'm running on anymore. Fastfood, maybe.
...
Shame on you, Brothers Burger. For P85 I expected a lot more. I'm sticking to Wham! You picked the wrong tired software developer to disappoint.
...
Sometimes I daydream about holding up big signs that say what I want to say out loud but don't for reasons of survival. I'm holding a few up right now. Can you read them?
...
I don't know why I fight in battles I know I can't win. I don't know why I engage in these things at great personal risk, that leaves me exhausted, that leaves me for dead. All I know is that the opposite, not fighting, scares me shitless.
I told someone from the office that I was tired of fighting . But I also said I didn't want to not fight for anything less. Amazingly it made enough sense for her to say she got it.
...
I can't believe I'm here again! It feels so familiar...the need to experiment with the commandments, the bleeding hearts, the desire to pick up a guitar every five minutes, the late night snacks, and the alcohol. It's so familiar it feels like coming home, if home were a miserable, miserable, place.
...
Then it hits me, I'm running on denial.
at some point, it's all plan B
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I'm Not Together, But I'm Getting There
There are two types of people you meet in life. Those who stay, and those who leave. If someone stays and it's you who leaves, that counts as leaving as well. So I guess all in all there's a 95 to 5 leave-to-stay ratio. That's a pretty depressing attrition rate.
Stay with me.
Stay with me.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Here Come The Little Things
I lost my work ID and I can't sit still. Maybe writing about it will help.
...
I have a ridiculously long list of guilty pleasures. I'll lay them out from time to time. Some of them are normal for someone my age and gender, such as . Some not so much.
For example, this inaugural entry: Groupee TV. Even when Cathy Bordalba isn't hosting.
...
I had "I'm so miserable" as my messenger status and a record number of people asked what was up. Your concern is touching, but I guess I'm bothered by the fact that everyone thinks it's so plausible that I'm due for a breakdown.
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I hate the fact that my character flaws are all so obvious. It's like being the villain in an 80's movie.
...
I have a ridiculously long list of guilty pleasures. I'll lay them out from time to time. Some of them are normal for someone my age and gender, such as . Some not so much.
For example, this inaugural entry: Groupee TV. Even when Cathy Bordalba isn't hosting.
...
I had "I'm so miserable" as my messenger status and a record number of people asked what was up. Your concern is touching, but I guess I'm bothered by the fact that everyone thinks it's so plausible that I'm due for a breakdown.
...
I hate the fact that my character flaws are all so obvious. It's like being the villain in an 80's movie.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Understand I'm Accident Prone
Is there some sort of rule that there are no road rules when it starts to rain? If didn't think it was possible, but we get even dumber when the storm hits.
...
Work is ridiculously exhausting. I've paid my dues, haven't I? I mean, I was doing overtime when some of these kids were going through Orsem.
Okay, I'm not that old. But you get the point. Is it time for the Jon Ray of old to resurface? The vice-president-in-charge-of-revolution? It probably is, but I'm thinking that would even be more exhausting. Damn you, aging process!
Didn't I swear some time ago that I'd never do OT again? Promises, promises. Bliss is actually convinced I actually like this. I don't. I just don't like not giving it my best shot.
...
Something weird happened this evening. Some middle-aged lady asked to borrow my umbrella so she could get her car. Her car is apparently a fifteen minute walk away, and she made me wait in front of the mall. And it's not like she asked for it in a nice way. Kind of she was expecting me to just give it to her. Of course, I lent it. Why me? I guess she read the word "sucker" written somewhere on my forehead.
(No, she wasn't pretty.)
I mean, I'm not that nice. Actually I think I was just looking for some good karma. No such luck.
...
One of my oldest friends suffered a mild heart attack and needed an operation. He's fine now, but it's got everyone a bit rattled. About growing old, living a healthy lifestyle, dying, that sort of thing.
But sometimes when things like this happen, I feel like it's not really happening to me or to people I love. Lately when I'm stuck at work I don't feel like it's me typing away at my laptop; it feels like I'm watching myself on TV so it doesn't really matter what happens in the end. All I need to do is turn it off.
I need to take more of them blue pills.
...
Earlier (just before the umbrella event) I felt lonelier than I have in a while. A combination of rain, Greenhills, unrequited love and a project going nowhere fast can do that to you.
...
Work is ridiculously exhausting. I've paid my dues, haven't I? I mean, I was doing overtime when some of these kids were going through Orsem.
Okay, I'm not that old. But you get the point. Is it time for the Jon Ray of old to resurface? The vice-president-in-charge-of-revolution? It probably is, but I'm thinking that would even be more exhausting. Damn you, aging process!
Didn't I swear some time ago that I'd never do OT again? Promises, promises. Bliss is actually convinced I actually like this. I don't. I just don't like not giving it my best shot.
...
Something weird happened this evening. Some middle-aged lady asked to borrow my umbrella so she could get her car. Her car is apparently a fifteen minute walk away, and she made me wait in front of the mall. And it's not like she asked for it in a nice way. Kind of she was expecting me to just give it to her. Of course, I lent it. Why me? I guess she read the word "sucker" written somewhere on my forehead.
(No, she wasn't pretty.)
I mean, I'm not that nice. Actually I think I was just looking for some good karma. No such luck.
...
One of my oldest friends suffered a mild heart attack and needed an operation. He's fine now, but it's got everyone a bit rattled. About growing old, living a healthy lifestyle, dying, that sort of thing.
But sometimes when things like this happen, I feel like it's not really happening to me or to people I love. Lately when I'm stuck at work I don't feel like it's me typing away at my laptop; it feels like I'm watching myself on TV so it doesn't really matter what happens in the end. All I need to do is turn it off.
I need to take more of them blue pills.
...
Earlier (just before the umbrella event) I felt lonelier than I have in a while. A combination of rain, Greenhills, unrequited love and a project going nowhere fast can do that to you.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Blue Pill, All The Way!
I choose to believe what I want to believe.
I went to my first ever book fair. I don't know why it took me that long. Books rock.
Ran into a few friends after being ditched by another set.
If anyone's ever thought of pulling a "book heist", book fair weekend is the time to do it. The skeleton crew over at your regular mall bookstore doesn't stand a chance.
...
I think that when you're a kid, you're inclined to root for Betty Cooper. But as you get older, you tend to switch sides over to Veronica Lodge. Maybe another switch happens when you get really old. Maybe not.
...
Today I saw magic. One should see magic everyday.
I went to my first ever book fair. I don't know why it took me that long. Books rock.
Ran into a few friends after being ditched by another set.
If anyone's ever thought of pulling a "book heist", book fair weekend is the time to do it. The skeleton crew over at your regular mall bookstore doesn't stand a chance.
...
I think that when you're a kid, you're inclined to root for Betty Cooper. But as you get older, you tend to switch sides over to Veronica Lodge. Maybe another switch happens when you get really old. Maybe not.
...
Today I saw magic. One should see magic everyday.
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