Barely got into the spirit of the holidays just in time. Maybe it's the weather, or the lack of free time to let it all sink in, but it really came late this year. I was forced to give out money as gifts this year, which is the corniest thing ever, at least for the giver. Everyone else, of course, enjoys it. Ask my dad.
Which isn't saying I'm not happy. I am; it's just that I have no words for it. Not just yet.This is also the year when I didn't have a wishlist, which if you know me is something short of amazing. Okay, I have at least one item, and you can't wrap it up. ...
Tons of stuff happened between the last post and Christmas. Had the yearly Christmas Party (number 3) with the boys, and all that entails. Of course ever since 2002(?) it's been a bit subdued. This is a good thing.
One thing that won't die are the stories. Please guys, let's write some new ones.
Next, treated the team to a day in Enchanted Kingdom, which was great. The last time I was there was in the last century, and was something of a seventh wheel. None of that this time.What I did have this time around was a chance to get on some rides. Well, most of them. Except this:
No thank you. I'll be in the ladies room putting on makeup.
Then it was off to Christmas Party number 4, in a foreign land. Well, technically it was.
Where I embarrassed myself by not knowing how to arrange dates in descending order. I guess that's why I do Java and not Oracle.
Sidebar: We had better get some recognition soon. Do we need to freaking campaign for it?!?
...
Then it was a wild scramble to get things done by the break. That should be break in quotes because I'll be coming back to work during it because I need to get more stuff done. My tasks should consider birth control.
Of course in between all that is to be all Christmassy and buy gifts and trinkets and distribute them. ...
Friday never hesitates.
Went to work at the other office. Tried to park at my secret free parking but due to the collective design flaws of the Civic dashboard and the magnetic sensor strip (and not at all due to my idiocy!) I spent a good chunk of the afternoon trying to get the strip unstuck and consequently parked at the ridiculously priced Metro parking.
Oh, before that spent a couple of relaxing hours at the Power Plant and did a bit of shopping. I do the whole bit where I pre-select stuff to buy, go out and window shop some more and come back. It's as if I have no January production date! Wow!
I like the Makati office. It's cozy. Sorry, Ortigas.
Then I wound up at Greenbelt 1 (what is this, 2005?), then at Serendra and then back in Makati for a game of Taboo...
I will scrimp on the details for now, turtle pie calls. As does my self-preservation instincts.
Have yourselves a merry little Christmas, everyone! Not in the sad Tori-Amos-sense. More like tongue-in-cheek OK Go.
Easy for you to say, you're on the inside looking out.
...
Tonight was the second of count 'em five Christmas parties I have to attend. Too bad I'm still not in the Christmas spirit. Then again, when was I ever?
That sounded way too cynical, even for me.
I haven't done any shopping yet, and I've already received a couple of advanced gifts, so I guess the guilt is starting to kick in. Where the hell am I going to find the time to get stuff for other people? Some time ago I figured that unless I really make an effort to listen, I never know what people want for Christmas. Is it just me?
...
I imagine that when people ask what is important to me, there is never a case that they'll like the answer.
...
Just in case you were wondering, the mob actually did get Krispy Kreme to open after-hours. So the score is Fat Mob 1, Human Dignity 0.
...
I have a question, and maybe it will sound cynical again, but sometimes when people say good luck, why does it sound more like: "Good luck, you snowball headed for Hell"?
So last night we were sitting outside of the just-minted Krispy Kreme PH just before midnight. The store hours really should've ended at ten but since the lines for the donuts were so long they closed the register at around 11:30 PM.
Anyway, while there were still people inside enjoying the last of their original glaze, the store was obviously closed. However, over time, a mob started to form outside of Krispy Kreme clamoring that the store open specially for them, since they could see a batch of donuts still in the conveyor belt. The poor lone security guard had to put up with gems such as:
We'll pay double!
We'll pay triple!
If all of us rush the door, the guard won't be able to stop us!
We know those people inside! (After standing outside for quite a while.)
Open up, or we're going to Gonuts!
Rrrright, so why don't you? We'll pay double, and we'll throw in our dignity as a bonus!
My friends and I are convinced that there is an active illegal ingredient in the donuts that makes these people need to have their 'fix'. I was ready to sell my half-dozen (down to five by then) for a thousand bucks. I bet I would've gotten some takers.
Some members of the mob also looked like they needed to lay off the donuts for a while.
... I first had Krispy Kreme at the gasoline station grocery next to my hotel in Salt Lake City, and I had that for breakfast almost everyday for three weeks after that. When I hear KK, I am reminded of two things:
Me realizing that it was time to leave my job.
Talking endlessly with KC over Yahoo! about the United States' only noteworthy contribution to global well-being (the donuts).
KC, due to her weird job setup here in Manila, was on the NA shift and was the only one online during the mountain region time zone. This is her on the left with Auds. She's also smart, funny, and taken. And, I'm convinced, will soon need donut rehab.
And why not? I was listening to Morning View again thinking the power chords could take my mind off things. Then comes track 9, 'Echo' and I'm even worse off.
...
Someone please tell me how this makes sense: a couple of years ago, maybe even one year ago, a night like tonight would have been OK. Perfect, even. Now? Not even close.
And I assure, it's not, and I'm not, growing up.
Guess what's swimming inside me again. If you guessed either alcohol, despair, jealousy or love, then you're probably right. Then again, those things seem to come hand in hand anyway.
...
I wish I could exorcise that part of me that makes all this seem important. Of course, I would have wished for that ability long ago and if it were granted then I wouldn't be here.
I did something stupid last night that almost made me break down. Haha, 'almost'. Even I didn't believe that.
...
Fuck I didn't just write that.
...
Something funny happened at Krispy Kreme which I will share later on. But let me just say, some Filipinos are just downright embarrassing.
Why am I blogging two nights in a row because I need to dammit and besides no one cares anyway so fuck off oh yeah I'm liquored up again (I like that word, liquored) but not so much really for lack of anything to do we just drink they say the taste of beer is the same everywhere so why did I drive an hour and a half for it that's just nuts people bailing on you is never good and if they matter its like a billion times worse and no I don't mean tonight particularly just in general.
Some sort of Saramago homage, that was. Jesus, I'm so out of it.
Onto secular things. Yes, let's.
Things to do:
Rearrange everyone's task to fit skill set, experience, contract timings, etc to fit the new schedule. Like sudoku, except with consequences and a hundred times harder. Fix bugs in my modules and clear up design issues. Write low level design elements for Phase II and write their test cases. Consolidate scheduled jobs. Read the project plan and improve our audit standing; I think I'm the only PM in the site who hasn't read his project's own project plan.
Ha it just dawned on me why this project is on the track its on.
...
I really need to make my Christmas list. I'm afraid it will reach a record length. And I don't even have that many friends to begin with anyway! Who the heck are all these people in my life? I kid. Love you guys.
Talking about checklists reminds me of this talk we had about how we were wrong about checklists and patterns when were younger. There is no pattern; all it gives you is a best-fit line, and each new dot could be the exception that proves the rule. In the end, we're all just victims of circumstance.
For example, I always thought smart was on the list. Then it needn't be on the list. Then it was barely on the list. Now it's back on the list.
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is so fleeting.
Will the world please follow the script?!? The world in my head is so much better, honest.
There has to be a 2-heartbreak limit per day. New rule.
Where do I start and when does it end?
...
It's been a crazy week at work. Whether or not the outcome is a win is still undecided. But now we have a shot, and I'm taking my best one. I will fight for this one if I need to. Check that: I will fight, period.
It's been a crazy week at work. There was one point during the week when I was sure I went through all the seven deadly sins in a span of 30 minutes.
...
I know I'm not making sense a little bit more than usual. I think it's because I'm liquored up again. To quote a previous version of me: I'm sorry I can't let it go as easily as everyone else. I'm not wired that way. Just let me handle this the only way I know how.
...is usually just as good/bad as table for three.
...
Had a rather busy weekend trying to avoid work, but it was with great success. I was either hung over or mixing the ingredients that create a terrible hangover. I was in Greenbelt twice; basically just sleep sandwiched in between. Then it was off to get coffee and then watch Alabang bands with ...groupies. And finally, some band covered "Fire and Ice". The trouble with this world is there's not enough Poison.
Typing that I remembered one groupie was checking out the drummer. Rikki Rockett, indeed.
...
This is the prolem when your heart does cartwheels. It gets dizzy and it's bound to miss a step. How does this go again?
...
My clients are flying in from the States to see how harrassed we are. It won't require much of an act.
I think I'll have a hard time being hospitable if I don't have enough sleep. I'm not hospitable enough as it is.
I turned on the TV and put an NBA game as background noise to give a semblance of normalcy to my life. No such luck.
...
I think I've figured out what makes Blogspot and Livejournal so different from each other: the font size of the header. With a bigger font size for the post title, Blogspot pressures you into writing deeper, more coherent stuff; that every post has to be a work of fucking genius. Time to move, then. I'm kidding.
...
Some definitions:
Flags Of Our Fathers cinema: A room full of people who couldn't get into Casino Royale.
Noontime Mass congregation: Non-boxing fans.
...
We obviously didn't make the cut after slaving for weeks to meet the deadline. I'm kind of ambivalent about it. It's turning out to be a busy Christmas. Sometimes I wonder about my role; there are times when I feel like I'm a kid playing in an adult world. Like Tom Hanks in Big, except, you know, less successful.
...
I got my RAZR! Lovely to look at/Nice to hold/But I think it's broken/'Coz the JVM won't load ! Another reason to not love Java...no, I can't stay mad at you for long.
I keep forgetting that I have a camera in my phone, even with the T630. Shouldn't it follow that I should have more colorful posts? This is all I could come up with:
I call it "Me Not At Work". Looking closely, one will notice:
...the graphic novel I'm not done with yet, creatively covering my graduation picture.
...the lamp from Boracay in the mirror to remind myself of what I'm missing.
...me violating the SoBC somewhat. (sirens)
..my sketch of a very angry Eddie Vedder (copied from Rolling Stone).
...pictures from Europe and past software development teams.
...an open television set.
...a bowl of change.
...a pink guitar pick. See, I can multi-task, just not about work.
...
I find myself dreaming a lot. I need some creative outlet, like, right now.
Blogging from the Continental Lobby of the Marco Polo hotel in Cebu. Using unfree hotel internet for an hour, which explains why it took me two days to decide if blogging was worth it.
But it is if you have a 360-degree view of the city with mangoes wrapped in bacon in one hand and a beer in another. I don't have proof of course.
A few moments before I start working. On a Saturday. With a massive headache.
You'd think I'd get used to this by now.
...
Sometimes I think I'm in over my head. That maybe it would just be easier (and healthier) to quit and settle for the deal, instead of the answer. Which really isn't that bad in the first place. But I am an idiot first and a coward second. So I rally on even if it kills me.
Ah, doublespeak. Triplespeak, even. You'll never catch me alive, coppers.
...
Last night was weird. Like the past and the present/immediate past decided to get it on and left cigarette butts and empty beer bottles and McDonald's wrapper in their wake.
...
You'd think I'd get used to that look, that body language, by now. But one never does, no? How the hell can I be back here again?
...
I guess it's been a while since the last post, and quite a few things have happened since. One of my peeps got him a new daughter but I was too busy to congratulate him. Finally spent a weekday out of the office and worked from SBC, where I actually got work done because no one could send me email . Finally saw what the house/company band was like. And realized I miss playing live. Or even just playing with someone else. There's also the beer bash and the (requisite) after-party. My one-on-one with my two-headed manager that hopefully bears fruit. Seeing old friends.
I didn't say big things, just things. Nice things. Which is all I'm asking for at the moment.
...
I'm off to Cebu in a few days for rehab. Think I need it?
My weekend was spent watching the Entourage marathons instead of working. Yes I said 'spent', not 'wasted'. It's not the other way around, you know.
But as I was telling my 'peeps', you don't really take a break when you take a break these days. There's always that little voice that reminds you that you should be doing something work-related even when you're not, if only to take some of the workload off the rest of the week. And it's probably that that sucks the most.
...
(This is a week delayed post. I've resorted to looking at the past again because the present is the pits.) If I'm not mistaken this is the weekend we went to Red Box and "sang" til four in the morning. Where I learned that a) people pretend to not know "All For Love" (theme from Three Musketeers) and b) people don't know who sang "Your Song" and c) I can't stop thinking about...work.
I've sunk into a(nother) deep depression. I want to think about something else.
Everything just bites.
...
So I turn to TV for some old-school comfort:
I'm a couple of hours away from finding out who killed a busload of students on Veronica Mars.
Everyone on Entourage is sporting a RAZR and now I want one too.
Guilty pleasure: Teen movies. I don't know if Win A Date With Tad Hamilton counts as a teen movie, but lines like "Sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David. It's just that no one bothers to tell that story" kills me.
Guilty pleasure: The food review on what used to be "F".
...
What a vicious double team: I eat when I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I've been spending too much time at work which is also the reason why I haven't been to the gym. It would be funny how it all works out, except it's not.
...
We are an organization in transition. We'll see if it all works out. I'm hoping it does, because I can't possibly take any more bad news at work. I do wish this new development gives me a chance for a do-over. Maybe not the kind I'm hoping for right now, but at this rate any chance to regroup and reinvent is good.
...
I miss my non-HP friends. I miss the history and the roots. I miss Makati malls and rock bands and tired high school stories. I miss ripping acoustic music and the Da Vinci Code.
...
I had this thought sometime during the week: that I have a weak heart. In quite possibly every sense of the word.
My family has taken my camera so I don't have pictures of Thursday's freak storm (or its aftermath). But we have the rest of the blog community for that. I just want to say I want my cam back.
...
Like so many of my entries, I had an epiphany but now I don't just have the words. It involved listening to other people and stuff. Bleh.
...
I was in Makati with half of a recently broken-up couple and I was trying to be funny: "You know what we need? More deathbed memories (a term I picked up from Top Gear referring to 'this car, on these slopes'). So that just before I die, my life flashing before my eyes will take three hours."
...
Win or lose, it's the school we choose, dammit.
...
Friday's despedida/videoke fest for JerWOM was a good break before October hits. But maybe I shouldn't have let myself go on Heart and Vanilla Ice. There goes my rock credibility.
...
Finally I found some time to start reading again, and it turns out Lolita is very creepy. I should stop referring to it when describing my preferences (literary or otherwise).
...
October hopefully will turn out to be a better month than September. Home stretch, people! Let's make this work! Let's have Christmas off! I want to go to all those drinking sessions in December! Exclamation point!
...
Asynchronous Javascript and XML is the devil, apparently. I'm already designing it my head on how I can revert the entire app back to straight-up JSP with minimal effort, if it comes to that point. Hopefully not, of course but you never know. Thank God we used custom tags.
...
I realize that I may have lost the ability to string more than three sentences together to convey a coherent thought.
I have no idea what I'm running on anymore. Fastfood, maybe.
...
Shame on you, Brothers Burger. For P85 I expected a lot more. I'm sticking to Wham! You picked the wrong tired software developer to disappoint.
...
Sometimes I daydream about holding up big signs that say what I want to say out loud but don't for reasons of survival. I'm holding a few up right now. Can you read them?
...
I don't know why I fight in battles I know I can't win. I don't know why I engage in these things at great personal risk, that leaves me exhausted, that leaves me for dead. All I know is that the opposite, not fighting, scares me shitless.
I told someone from the office that I was tired of fighting . But I also said I didn't want to not fight for anything less. Amazingly it made enough sense for her to say she got it.
...
I can't believe I'm here again! It feels so familiar...the need to experiment with the commandments, the bleeding hearts, the desire to pick up a guitar every five minutes, the late night snacks, and the alcohol. It's so familiar it feels like coming home, if home were a miserable, miserable, place.
There are two types of people you meet in life. Those who stay, and those who leave. If someone stays and it's you who leaves, that counts as leaving as well. So I guess all in all there's a 95 to 5 leave-to-stay ratio. That's a pretty depressing attrition rate.
I lost my work ID and I can't sit still. Maybe writing about it will help.
...
I have a ridiculously long list of guilty pleasures. I'll lay them out from time to time. Some of them are normal for someone my age and gender, such as . Some not so much.
For example, this inaugural entry: Groupee TV. Even when Cathy Bordalba isn't hosting.
...
I had "I'm so miserable" as my messenger status and a record number of people asked what was up. Your concern is touching, but I guess I'm bothered by the fact that everyone thinks it's so plausible that I'm due for a breakdown.
...
I hate the fact that my character flaws are all so obvious. It's like being the villain in an 80's movie.
Is there some sort of rule that there are no road rules when it starts to rain? If didn't think it was possible, but we get even dumber when the storm hits.
...
Work is ridiculously exhausting. I've paid my dues, haven't I? I mean, I was doing overtime when some of these kids were going through Orsem.
Okay, I'm not that old. But you get the point. Is it time for the Jon Ray of old to resurface? The vice-president-in-charge-of-revolution? It probably is, but I'm thinking that would even be more exhausting. Damn you, aging process!
Didn't I swear some time ago that I'd never do OT again? Promises, promises. Bliss is actually convinced I actually like this. I don't. I just don't like not giving it my best shot.
...
Something weird happened this evening. Some middle-aged lady asked to borrow my umbrella so she could get her car. Her car is apparently a fifteen minute walk away, and she made me wait in front of the mall. And it's not like she asked for it in a nice way. Kind of she was expecting me to just give it to her. Of course, I lent it. Why me? I guess she read the word "sucker" written somewhere on my forehead.
(No, she wasn't pretty.)
I mean, I'm not that nice. Actually I think I was just looking for some good karma. No such luck.
...
One of my oldest friends suffered a mild heart attack and needed an operation. He's fine now, but it's got everyone a bit rattled. About growing old, living a healthy lifestyle, dying, that sort of thing.
But sometimes when things like this happen, I feel like it's not really happening to me or to people I love. Lately when I'm stuck at work I don't feel like it's me typing away at my laptop; it feels like I'm watching myself on TV so it doesn't really matter what happens in the end. All I need to do is turn it off.
I need to take more of them blue pills.
...
Earlier (just before the umbrella event) I felt lonelier than I have in a while. A combination of rain, Greenhills, unrequited love and a project going nowhere fast can do that to you.
I went to my first ever book fair. I don't know why it took me that long. Books rock.
Ran into a few friends after being ditched by another set.
If anyone's ever thought of pulling a "book heist", book fair weekend is the time to do it. The skeleton crew over at your regular mall bookstore doesn't stand a chance.
...
I think that when you're a kid, you're inclined to root for Betty Cooper. But as you get older, you tend to switch sides over to Veronica Lodge. Maybe another switch happens when you get really old. Maybe not.
At work again. On a Sunday. Breaking a commandment of some sort. And not the ones that involve the neighbor's wife and goods.
Sometimes I wonder if all this is a test and if it is, what it means to fail it.
To make matters worse, last week I finally got myself a copy of Carnet de Voyage, and fuck: I want to be a cartoonist. Some people's dreams overtake any social pressures or even common sense and by all indications mine should, too. Except I'm too scared and too old and too infatuated with...stuff.
...
I typed in some words where this paragraph should be and it sounded so mean, even for me. Whoa, limits!
...
Entourage is so damn entertaining.
...
Last night I got invited to a goth-punk book launch. (Goth-punk describes the launch, not the book, I think.) And I opted to stay in bed because I didn't have enough energy to drive three blocks.
Things I need right now: sleep, a backrub, peanut butter donuts, and to quote Dave Pirner: a pretty face and some time to waste.
Looks like the donuts are the only realistic ones on this list. I am sooo tired.
...
I so want to make this work. This company, I mean, and everything in it. But it's not up to me, is it?
Suddenly, rapport is no longer so important. I used to think it was such a valuable thing. Don't get me wrong, there's still a minimum requirement of course, but now it's not so high up on the list. I no longer think it's necessary to complete each other's sentences. Sometimes I want the end of each sentence to be a surprise.
Some people still don't make the cut, though.
But it's still a nice word to say out loud: rapport.
...
I have done a lot of terrible and dumb things in my life. Things that could get someone shot, broke, trapped under car wreckage. I guess in many, many ways I'm lucky to be alive, loved, and making money. Its amazing the karma police haven't picked me up, locked me up and thrown away the key.
...
I heard a line on the telly that reminded me so much of high school: "There are no permanent friends, only permanent interests." Unfortunately, the line came from S-Files, I think, and they were referring to something totally different.
...
Darvin Ham is playing in the PBA. And is getting dunked on by the natives. I have half a mind to send this tidbit to DimeMag.
...
I'm tired. Can I please, please hit the beach after this storm?
Along the lines of "Don't want what you can't get" is something that is becoming increasingly advisable as the days go by: don't ask for what other people can't give. A line of thinking recommended for work, life, and relationships.
...
I've been reading Sting's autobio Broken Music while watching the bonus DVD with Every Breath You Take (The Singles) and some things pop out:
I'm already two-thirds into the book and we're only just been introduced to Stewart Copeland.
Andy Summers is now my new guitar hero, at least for the next couple of days. Bring on the fifths!
I'm amused that the guitarist is the shortest member of The Police.
The Police is greater than the sum of its parts.
I need to get back to work.
...
I finally made it to the Mall of Asia. Speaking as a professional mallrat, I'm impressed. Dozens of new shops and food stalls to try out. Then there's our impeccably dressed friends from the south. All one needs, in my no-bearing opinion.
One more thing: I had to pay overnight parking because a) the stupid ticket said "Flat Rate" and b) no one pointed out that the overnight limit was at 1:30 AM. One thirty! Damn you family-oriented shopping centers. The "S" in SM stands for swindlers. The guards even admitted that this happens every night; in fact this particular Sunday morning there were at least five cars worth of confused MoA shoppers. There's no doubt in my mind this is a con. A legal con, but a con nonetheless.
Development is at a crawl. The team can't seem to gather enough steam to get out of this rut. I'm no help either; with so much to do I have no idea where to start. So I write.
Maybe answering one of these meme things will help me relax.
What is your favorite album? This question should at least be a top 5! A la High Fidelity! But it will probably be 1. U2's "Achtung Baby" 2. Nirvana's "Nevermind" 3. Juliana Hatfield Three's "Become What You Are" 4. Counting Crows "August and Everything After" 5. Pearl Jam's "Ten"
My age just showed.
Favorite song to sing? "Sing" in quotation marks. Current top 3. 1. My Stupid Mouth 2. Best Of You (first two verses) 3. King Of Pain
Favorite song to dance to Nice try...
Favorite song to make-out to IF EVER that comes up, I'll let you know...
Favorite song to listen while driving Currently, "California"
Song that makes you heartbroken Hmmm...Soul Asylum's "Misery"? No wait, "Found Out About You" by the Gin Blossoms, definitely.
Song that you hate the most It's a toss up between "Especially For You" and "Especially For You", unless the duet involves Kermit.
Song that you like but wasn't sung well How is that possible?
Song that changed your life Easy. "Patience"
Song that calms you down Currently, "Somebody Is Waiting For Me" and I think the song that comes after it, by Juliana Hatfield. Gold Stars was an absolute must-have.
Song that makes you smile See above.
Song that makes you fall in love Songs don't make people fall in love. Don't be ridiculous. Pass.
I'm trying to blog but then I realized there's nothing I can put here without offending anyone or outing myself. Everything that comes of my mouth lately seems to be the wrong thing. The filter in my head needs replacing.
...
Everything is starting to get abstract again. Which only means one thing: I'm going back to old habits. Defenses are up, ancient walls have been erected again. Lessons thought learned are suddenly forgotten in favor of damage control, keeping safe. But it's never really safe, is it? The enemy is inside the walls already. All it needs to do now is wait.
I've WiFied the house up and no one's excited but me. But don't take that as on open invitation to come to my house.
You know what that means, right? I can now pretend to work in bed. Right now I'm realizing how hard exactly that is to do. It also means I can blog while watching cheesy network television.
This week's been full of bar-going and thrown stress balls at work. It's turned into quite the war zone, and somehow it's all my fault.
Time travelling now...
I remember one time I was being full of myself and told you authoritatively that all everyone wants is eye candy that will talk back, and anyone who says otherwise is lying. You offered no rebuttal, which was a first.
These past few days I re-realized how much of a non-fan I am of M. Scott Peck. I didn't even finish the required reading back in college; the first dozen pages either I disagreed with or bored me to death. Or maybe I don't care much for it precisely because I didn't get to finish it. I googled it up and people say it's pretty good. I must've read the wrong book.
I am not about growth or character and things eternal.
Ok, maybe I am about the last part. But I want to be the one to decide what gets to be eternal.
Rather cryptic, yes. Except more of that from here on out.
That's all I have to say for now, except maybe "forza azzurri!".
This is the only time I've found all week(+) to update. And I actually have to be catching up on some work right now, on Sunday morning. Like that will happen.
The flu bug's been bothering me all week, and after a night of drinks and dancing, I'm almost back to feeling fine.
I need some pictures on this thing again. My camera is practically a desk ornament. Not that nothing I've seen recently isn't portrait-worthy, quite the opposite actually. It's just that I realize how hard it is to lug around an A70.
God, how hard is it to come up with a coherent post? Must be the drinks and the dancing.
As you can tell from the lack of activity on this thing, I've been pretty busy. Unfortunately, it's with work, which isn't the best type of busy. But I've been worse.
My genius ultracreative yet drastic idea to redo the system's controller layer was shelved. If only I had more time. Rather, if only I spent more time doing it than thinking about it (Boy that sounded familiar). I'll show them the true meaning of the word "Invent".
My mom found the new Superman corny. Which is weird, because this is the same mom who I saw the first four Supermans with. Are you kidding me? Was she looking for Richard Pryor and red kryponite?
I liked the movie, but maybe that had something to do with the company I was with.
Argentina and Brazil and England are out. Sorry for everyone who bought yellow Nike stuff. You can now join people who bought Dallas #41 jerseys. Speaking of jerseys, someone at the gym was wearing a Knicks Van Horn jersey earlier today. I admire his guts.
Played Warcraft DotA for the first time ever. Where were the Tesla coils? Tanya? I will stick to Red Alert circa 1997 thank you very much.
For some reason, the Power Plant has become my default mall for having nothing to do. Mainly it's because I can walk around going nowhere in particular without looking like a total loser. The only things missing are a) a good burger (I don't want to have to go cross the street to Brothers for something so basic) and b) Tower Records.
And at the Power Plant I spent Friday night as a third wheel to a married couple for the first time. I don't know if that's moving up or down.
That's the same thing that happened last year: for two weeks not even a peep of Spurs fandom, then one day its Duncan this and Ginobili that. Zo should dedicate his ring to New Jersey and Payton should thank Seattle, Milwaukee, L.A., and Boston for giving up on him.
Say it with me: Jason Williams, World Champion.
Speaking if sports, I am a proud owner of a regulation Ultimate Frisbee that I will probably never get to use except as a nacho plate.
Juliana Hatfield can rock about anything.
I have a Toycon pic with a Toycon schoolgirl. Now I can die!
No one said blogging had to be deep.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
You know I'm uninspired if I can't think of song lyrics to go with anything.
Been in left-brain mode all this month and last and I'm starting to feel the effects. Deviantart envy and whatnot.
I've also been weakened by sickness. I had the long weekend all planned out and my stomach refused to cooperate and turned itself into a bacterial warzone. I seriously need to go out, and experience something new and different.
Meanwhile, my old project (the one I left) came to a grinding halt last week. I'm not sure of the details, but it doesn't look like it'll get picked up again. That would normally sound like bad news, but I bet the guys are relieved about getting the break. I know I would.
In better news, I now have a laptop bag, made proudly in the Philippines. Except that I stuck a big German sticker on it to make it look like World Cup paraphernalia. Yes, very un-Independence Day. Mental note: emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
My Pistons-Suns final went the way of flying cars: didn't happen. People I wouldn't like to see receive championship rings now have their chance:
1. Erick Dampier 2. Gary Payton (as a backup point giard) 3. Jason Williams and Antoine Walker (freaks of basketball nature and nothing more)
But that's me. I'm disappointed in you, team-oriented basketball. Miami vs. Dallas...What is this the 90's NFL?
Did you know there's been a "cultural" show every day for the past year at Viewside in Tagaytay where girls put on a Tahitian bellydance? Hurray for culture!
Ortigas is slowly but surely boring me.
Scooters: all the arrogance of a motorist with the fragility of a pedestrian.
Remember how I said accomplished people were intimidating? The client we work is tons more intimidating, and it's not because they're the ones who pay us our salaries. Why oh why didn't I study more in college? The closest I got to the DL was first year first semester, and I guess it all went downhill from there. Curse you, Blue Ice Beer!
My PC hangs every time I turn the DSL modem on. It's now a bona fide standalone. And the funny thing is this happened when I started using the laptop regularly. Because when God opens a window I guess He closes a door.
Of course it wasn't perfect, and it was as close to the Dark Phoenix Saga as X2 was to God Loves Man Kills, but really, I'd rather have that than having to explain the Shi'ar Empire, the Starjammers, a cosmic entity that destroys worlds, Jean imagining herself in colonial America and whatnot in a Hollywood movie. An appearance by the Hellfire Club would've been cool though. I actually preferred 'the cure' storyline to Phoenix's. Bryan Singer, that Superman flick better be worth it.
The key to happiness is lowered expectations. And Girls Who Rock. That and X-men are my two favorite things. Yay for Wednesday!
Oh, and I love you, Shadowcat.
Geek moment over.
It's a busy week, and I don't just mean about work. After Wednesday's trip, I've got a wedding reception and a baby shower/birthday and maybe something over at All Is Beautiful Here this weekend. And before that I need to do some shopping. Maybe work a bit over the weekend. And go to the gym before it feels like giving my money away to the Fitness First Charity Fund.
Had another activity this week, which was bowling. Since I don't really bowl, it's then required for me to make fun of it. Here are my corny ideas for monickers for professional bowlers:
The Assassin
Iceman (for grace under pressure sportsmen, like early Kimi)
Cannonball
The Destroyer
The Cobra (for bowlers with custom-made bowling balls with the "trapped snake" design. Must "hiss" after every strike)
The rule just doesn't apply to wives and girlfriends: Don't ask questions you know the answers to. Geez. I am seriously tempted to relocate my thoughts.
Woke up on the wrong side of life again. Observant people will note that this is always the case with me anyway. Well, more so today. I need some good news.
Finally got around to going to Big Sky Mind. "Big Sky" apparently doesn't describe the space. But rock, uh, rocks, as usual.
Also visited Gateway mall again after what feels like millennia. And I realize, it's not for all people all of the time. There's a time to visit Cubao and early Saturday evening isn't one of them. And what's up with pay restrooms? This isn't Europe and you are not the Basilica.
God, I'm sleepy. Sunday night coffee is turning out to be a mistake. I want to sleep through today and tomorrow and wake up in a movie theatre playing X-Men III.
Is this the most useless post, or what?
(Edited later because I just remembered...) Must be a product of Sunday night coffee and cake: I dreamt about work. Our team was working...in space! On Mars' moon. Does Mars even have a moon? And I was realizing how lonely it was to be working on a moon for months on end. Ooh, ominous. Let's see you read stuff into that one.
Hey you. Yeah you. Stop reading beyond the lines. There's really nothing wrong with reading beyond the lines. It's just that you're not very good at it.
(Note: Originally wrote most of this 4 days ago, and just now had the time to finish it. It's actually Sunday evening right now.)
Been loaded with work, which explains: the lack of posts, not knowing what's going on on primetime TV, and less trips to the heartland, Makati. This is my life now. And amazingly I'm not really complaining...much.
Laurence got hitched last weekend, and the party went on well into the night. Congratulations, faithful readers. :)
Ironically, now that I can actually post from work I don't have time to do so. Damn how it all works out!
Back from the mountain province. Not surprisingly, it was my first time there without family.
People form HP are so freaking accomplished it's scary. I'm starting to wonder if I belong. Then I realize this is what I wanted. There's a lot more to this line of thinking, but I haven't articulated it all in my head right now.
Yes, yes, being hard on oneself again.
Baguio is also known for its art scene. Which is why I was disappointed at first at the proliferation of no-talent acoustic bands in the city (OK, one). But there's this one band (I didn't catch the name) that was playing jazz standards (Fly Me To The Moon, Better Days) at this one coffee shop (I didn't catch the name, sounded German) which was very good. Good enough to seek out the next time I'm there. That is, until my teammates started to request "Overjoyed". And at the same time the digital SLR's were whipped out. What, no CBTL? Badminton? My mission is clear.
Oh, and it was fun. A sign of things to come? Let's hope.
I'm off to Baguio tonight with the "team". We haven't even left and I'm already tired.
It feels like the more I try to fly away from home, the tighter the emotional chains my family wraps around me. I'm annoyed, and I hate the fact that I'm annoyed, because I should feel blessed. Blessed, annoyed and self-loathing. Wow.
God, I want my life to start ASAP.
How can you tell if you're simply going through growing pains, adjusting to changes, or in a downward spiral? In my experience they all feel the same. How does one know before it's too late?
A post without a pop culture reference. I must really be losing it. See you Sunday.
I now realize what the point is behind a stag party. It's for people to realize how tired and old getting drunk off your ass and smoke-filled cheap-perfume-smelling small rooms are, and that most of the time there's nothing better than being sober and coming home to you.
So that was the story of how I went to a party, got piss-drunk and woke up the next day next to a guy in a strange bed. Someday, somebody else will look back on this and laugh.
Looking at the previous post's comments, I realize that I've had more than my share of "Don't be so hard on yourself." Is that just something people say, or does it really, really apply to me? Gawd, I should be committed.
Speaking of going crazy, I don't know why this is, but my family's flaws (which I recognize all families have,) are somehow magnified to such a degree this week that it makes my head hurt. Sometimes I actually groan with no immediate (or immediately visible) catalyst.
I need prescription drugs.
And speaking of going crazy (again), I had a weird dream (or two) before starting work. Part of the dream was me backpacking across Manila with the band Counting Crows. I know it was Counting Crows because Adam Duritz was there, and they were talking about releasing another best-of to hide the fact they haven't done anything in two years. The other part of my dream is that I rented a passenger bus for no apparent reason. And that's not even the weirdest part. The bus seemed to be seven stories high, because the people on the sidewalk looked like ants. Also, when it was on handbrake it swaying in the wind.
I guess I overdid the prescription drugs.
Speaking of work, the company issued me a laptop! None of those four-year old bricks that kept changing hands over at ****** a few years back; I practically had to open the box it came in. Now I can pretend to work at home!
...it's this hot ...they killed off Meg on Veronica Mars ...I was totally unprepared for the Holy Week, despite being warned 40 days earlier ...I'm starting to know WWE subplots ...I've been playing electric guitar all this time with the bridge on backwards! ...I don't regularly watch Cowboy Bebop ...I start at a new job tomorrow
The first picture is the view from the nearest window. If you look real close you can see Greenbelt 'Everything is Beautiful Here' 3. I don't think my new office has a view, sadly. The other picture is a snapshot of my desk just before I left it. It's semi-clean because I threw almost everything out on the last day. Shown here are: my gross recycled drinking bottle, my Pizza Hut calendar, the ubiquitous red ballpen and the signature Scarlett Johansson wallpaper. Not shown is the orange crepe paper I've turned into a Street Fighter fireball, my tons of scratch paper and my four Emmys. I hate to say it, but I'm going to miss these three walls. I mean, it just looks bleak, but really, I like the privacy I have there. For example, under that locked computer screen is a half-finished game of Freecell, where I had a sub-par 76% winning percentage. I remember losing 122 games. Do the math.
Moving on to other stuff, I just realized how neat it is to be on leave.
Taking pleasure in the details: First, Mushroom Burger on West Ave. Mushroom burger and Kowloon siopao on the same street? Amazing. Second, having one's guitar(s) fixed by a street-credible guitar technician. How street-credible? My guitar is in his shop right now next to Barbie's and Buddy Zabala's and Paolo Santos'. Incredible. Third, just going around town in the daytime. Yes, it's hot. Yes, it's still a bit traffic for Holy Week. But there's something about going around QC when the sun is still out that feels...right.
There's something about ellipses in online diaries that remind me of Doogie Howser. Ewww. Or, Lee Falk's The Phantom. Ewww.
It's been a crazy past-few-weeks. And so the story went:
I got accepted into a certain Fortune 500 company during a lull in my workload at the company I work for. But by the time they told me I was in, I'd already made certain commitments to a new project and attained a new role. So politely declined. I thought that was the last I heard of it but then they called again, saying things like 'just take a look at the offer'. So I did, and while it was a great offer it was more than the money which made me want to say yes. It was the fact that I realized I wanted to work for a company like that. People I know who work at, say, Microsoft never seem to want to leave. I wanted to know what that was like. So I said yes.
When I told the company I work for they sat on it for like a week to make me a counter-offer. And it turned out to be higher than the previous 'great' offer, and by a lot, too. But in that week things in my head started festering, and I was already sold at working at the new place. So I politely declined the counter.
A week later they made another counter-offer. Obviously it was even bigger. As in I could probably move out of the house (hmmm, not really). Suddenly my dream workplace had a price tag.
Unfortunately for them (and maybe for me, I don't know) I'm certifiably insane. And the heart wants what it wants. So I'm turning down money for a chance to feel what it's like to not want to be anyplace else. I guess time will tell if I made the right choice or not.
So I will be starting a new life in Ortigas. What does this mean? That I will be part of the HP Way, and that I will never be able to step inside an Ink For Less ever again.
But to turn down that kind of money, good gawd..!
And that's not even the most half-assed thing I did this month.
In trying to keep from hurting someone very close to me, I, well, hurt someone very close to me. If turning down money makes me insane, turning down love makes me stupid. Sometimes I wonder if there's a real human being inside here somewhere and not some weird amalgamation of movie quotes and rock lyric references. Someone please just put a hole in me and check.
And so next time (if God will even give me a next time, and if He's as wise as He says He is, He won't) I will let it play out in reality instead of in my head. Stop thinking in numbers and percentages and what-ifs and alternate courses. I blame fantasy basketball. And my stupid, stupid, heart.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Okay, it's not jinxed. But itis under attack. Details to follow when decisions are made.
I began writing about what's been going on these past few weeks and then I re-read it and it all sounded so corny. Also, putting it down in cyberspace might jinx it. So I erased the whole thing and started over.
All you need to know is that in two weeks, I will be working somewhere else, and that I had to give up a lot to be working somewhere else. I'm still convinced that I've made the right choice. That's the definition of maturity, right?
So another chapter closes and another opens up. Hopefully there will be better stories to tell.
In other news: I sold my iPod. Or agreed to sell it. And as soon as I agreed to sell it i started to miss it. But one must move on...to iPod with video. Or a PSP. Counting my chickens' eggs' future chickens' eggs' future chickens again.
In other news: I have a stupid mouth, and, an even more stupid heart.
I sort of skipped this chapter. So much for that idea (see previous post).
It's been a weird month. Good weird or bad weird? A little of both, so it evens out to just regular weird. But even regular weird is enough to keep me from making a coherent post.
Still can't talk about it. Also, my head hurts so even if I could, I, uh...couldn't.
A few years ago, in an attempt to try to salvage my, err, skills, I bought a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's still the only book I've bought that can be categorized under self-help. (7 Habits doesn't count. It was already here when I got here.)
Anyway, despite something in the introduction that said that it wasn't the type of book one reads from cover to cover, that's exactly what I did; and that explains why I've gotten nothing out of it so far. So for a couple of years it's stayed on the shelf next to Blankets, which is one book you do read from cover to cover.
I don't know what this has to do with the new turning point in my life, but for some reason the events of the past few days made me want to try this again.
Like a lawyer on an ongoing case, I can't comment on things just yet. Suffice to say it's probably the first time in a long time that I feel blessed, and did not involve ogling.
In other news:
Because I am a stupid emotional person, I will probably not finish first in this Fantasy NBA season, because I refuse to let go of an injured Jermaine O'Neal. I refuse to let go because, well, generally that's what I am, and because he's one of the reasons I'm this high in the standings in the first place. Also because my lineup is full of shoot-first shooting guards.
I have been home for four straight Saturdays, and I have no artwork, hot body, or savings to show for it.
I have been on two blind dates this month. And I have come to the conclusion that I will die alone. With no artwork.
Kowloon House siopao is the best. siopao. ever. Okay, that's not really news.
People from the past are popping up: a good thing. Something to do before dying alone.
People, let's go out!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Is it March already? Good gawd.
Will post soon, when I get the time. Maybe tomorrow, whilst Websense is down at the office.
This weekend I just wanted two things: girls, and heated political debate. Usually it's just girls. Of course, I got neither; instead I ended up listening to reggae music, which has its roots in girls and heated political debate, but it's just not the same thing.
Our office is situated near the corner where Ninoy's statue is (why is it there, anyway?), which made it a bad place to be last Friday afternoon. We got a bird's eye view of the whole protest rally thing. Although I suspect half of those present just wanted to see Kris and James Yap.
While listening to reggae we talked about the State of Emergency, and we came to the conclusion that 'emergency' meant: "Ayala Ave is closed? How the hell do we get to Greenbelt?"
But seriously, its hard not to have an opinion about what's going on. I'm not saying I've stopped being apolitical, it's just that if you have even an ounce of idealism left it's impossible not to feel sad and/or annoyed. I read somewhere that men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. True, true.
Speaking of bad leadership, we have YM back (hunh?). Now I feel bad calling people fascicts (Ah). Ok, not really. But thank God they caved. Nothing gets things done like violent protests.
Let's talk about the real issues: good television/DVD's. The Starstruck 3 Final 4's final task is a kissing scene with the Survivors from the past two seasons. Talk about your cup runneth over.
I bought the Tuck & Patti Live in Holland DVD I can say with finality: Tuck Andress is a freak.
I leave you with an another excerpt from another DVD I've just seen (for the nth time), Casablanca, which is also where I got this post's title from:
Capt. Renault: No matter how clever he is, he still needs an exit visa... or I should say two?
Well, it didn't exactly happen this way, but it was close enough.
My dream ending for this year's All-Star Game in Houston was: East up by one with under 10 ticks left in a closely fought match. Instead of fielding the starting five, Flip puts in all four Pistons and either Shaq or Wade (with the edge going to Wade, only because we want to see what the Pistons would look like if they drafted him instead of the Human Victory Cigar), and a Kobe drive (or jumper, I really don't care) getting sent back at the buzzer.
But I'll take the East 122-120 over the West anyway. Ray-ray was a disappointment all weekend, though.
The best All-Star game I've seen was the year AI and Starbury and the rest of the East came back from 21 down to win by one. Memorable because of the game itself, and it was the first All-Star game I "watched" in the form of a Flash application.
I'm barely getting through Life After Messenger. If I'm this lonely, shouldn't I be driving a better car?
This week I started wearing my lastest accesory: corrective lenses. It's crazy but I'm kind of enjoying it. I've started practicing my affected 'pensive' looks.
I have a blind date this week, and the setter-ups insist on it being actually blind.
I'm getting more disappointed each day that passes that my Wacom tablet remains unused for art. Is it simply a question of inspiration, time, or is it something completely different? I have no answers. All I know is, the more I think about it, the more it feels like my heart breaking.
I need comic books.
God, it seems I really need to start getting inspired for my art. Because judging from this post I'm going to have an even worse time trying to be a writer.
From Heart-Shaped Box. Strangely, an indirect Valentine's Day reference.
I really do have a complaint. A day after we discovered a messenger client that didn't need administrator rights to run, they...they took away EVERYTHING. No Yahoo, no MSN, no life. And no more Mr. Nice Consultant.
Is this bothering me more than it should? Should I welcome the enforced focus on work and becoming a better developer and a much more productive employee? Not to mention having to actually socialize in an analog manner?
Hell no. God, I can't get over it. This industry, of all industries, should know that social software is an indispensible part of living in the information age. Instead, fasiscm seems to be making a comeback. Soooo 20th century.
So if any of you need to contact me, I'll be in my cubicle/prison, quite possibly driven mad from solitary confinement. Also, will probably be programming using stone tools and clay tablets.
...is my idea to change the Philippine shopping experience. That way people like me won't get disappointed and say 'but it looked so good in the store!'
This weekend I ate at Brazil and their stop/go meat buffet for the first time. I still think for that price I should be able to take the yo-yo stop/go marker home. And also spotted at the Power Plant: a Power couple having a pre-Valentine's date. Because I guess Valentine's is reserved for the spouses.
This weekend I also went to the FF branch over at Robinson's Ermita. For some reason its layout reminds me of a seedy club. Take me back to ABS, where college crushes keep popping up!
This week I turned down the chance to work someplace else. Why? Because I am an idiot. And worse, an idiot with bad timing. I keep telling myself I should keep my eye on the prize. Except I don't remember what the prize is. Please please please I hope I did not make the wrong decision.
Last night I had some moments of enlightenment. And then this morning I promptly forgot. Beer giveth, and beer taketh away.
I'm depressed. In part due to the idiocy that was yesterday morning's game show stampede, in another part due to the fact that certain realities are sinking in, about life, love, and work. No, I will not elaborate.
I need to hit the mall.
Thas was this morning. Later...
And I did, and it actually worked. It cost me the retail value of something from Topman and the new UNO magazine, but I'm actually feeling a little better. Something to keep my mind off the state of the nation/mind. I'm shallow like that.
Flashing back to last night: Dinner in the mystical south. There are times when, I think, that's all you need.
