Three Strikes, You're Out

Before my brain starts to swing the other way, let me get this down in writing to have some semblance of finality.

I think that it's time to say good-bye. Quietly. No drama, no fireworks, no speeches, no dropping by unannounced on some future date and then act as if I never left. And before I start wallowing in self-pity or worse, regret, let me assure myself that three and a half years wasn't all for nothing. There were a lot of things learned. Made a few friends, several enemies and a lot of acquaintances. Made some money. Spent a lot of money. Learned to relate to other people who didn't grow up with the same TV shows and pop songs and short stories. Proved it was possible to fall ridiculously head-over-heels, I-want-you-and-nobody-else in love, again. Found out the consequences of not, and never, giving up on what you believe.

Okay, maybe one speech. :) . It's time to move on.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Speaking of Seinfeld, I remember a conversation I had with one of our US partners when he was in the country:

(We'll refer to him as Bob.)

Bob: "God, I love Seinfeld. That show is so funny. But you probably don't get it."

Now, Bob was probably assuming a) it's not in syndication here, which is mildly annoying, or b) we Filipinos don't get Jerry and company's dark high-brow humor, which makes me want to drop an airconditioner on him.

Me: "Oh, we get it." (Which could apply to either case.)

Bob: "You're a smart one, aren't you?"

Grrrrr.

Right Off The Wagon

I'm home on a Saturday night and I'm perfectly fine.

Partly because I enjoyed last night's band Wunjo (sp?) so much so I don't feel so desperate to go out again tonight. See? It's not a sickness. But check that band out if you can find out where they play next. Galing!

Partly because my brother bought the 1st three seasons of Seinfeld on DVD. The funniest 30 minutes on television, far as I can remember.

Partly because I finally got a response. Friday night it is! Time to break out the clean shirts!

Partly because I woke up this morning with 2 text mesages on my cell bearing girls' names. Took me right out of my hangover.

Not partly because I read last night's drunk "post". It sounded so Freshman Year! But admittedly I kind of enjoy it being there, so I won't delete it. I'll refer to it I'm sure on some other god-forsaken night of intoxication.

Since the only thing that seems to merit a response (attention Jowena!) is my freaking love life, maybe I should start divulging some of my deepest darkest secrets. Some lang.

I'm obviously drunk and have no idea what I'm talking about.

More on this tomorrow, I think I'm going to pass out.

The Crazy House

vienna 01
Originally uploaded by ray-gun.

This is a photo from last May's trip to Vienna. Something called the Crazy House, an entire house as an art piece. I don't really remember much from the history of the place (I wasn't listening), but I do know there's a store from where I'm taking this picture that sells Mozart chocolates and T-shirts, as well as Viennese Secession artist stuff.

I didn't know it then, but when I was a kid I used to spend time browsing through open books at National Bookstore, and I came upon a book about Egon Schiele, the Viennese painter. And I could remember being totally captivated, as if these pieces of "art" were the prettiest things I've ever seen. They're still pretty, largely because they're mostly drawings of girls in cute poses.

The point being? I don't know, but its interesting to note that my idea of what's beautiful hasn't changed in about 20 years. I'm starting to wonder if that's a good thing.

Waiting, Watching The Clock/It's 4 O'Clock, It's Got To Stop

Waiting for something on the web is like watching paint dry. Ok, not quite. But the waiting still sucks.

There's a party going on and I so want to get out of the house tonight. What to do? How could I have two potential weekend gimmicks and still be stuck at home on a Friday night? Stop me if I sound like a broken vinyl record. Better yet, take me out.

I've rejuvenated my idle Flickr account on someone's suggestion. And I guess this blog/my life lacks color anyway. So let' see...

Still no response from the would-be 'date'. This is what I get for getting excited.

RANDOMIZE TIMER

Ok, I wanted to call it "Random Things" but I realized it's probably the most-used blog-post title in the world. So, in the spirit of being different and nostalgic, I pay homage to GWBasic and how Mr. Feria used to come up with our Computer class grades.

The current pick-me-up song I'm listening to is Def Leppard's "Heaven Is". Yes, the one with Kristy Swanson in the video. Have you ever noticed how the only lyrics that you understand from the song are the bare minimum you need to enjoy it? Totally rocks. Joe Elliott and Co. are a genius.

It took me half a day to set up a project using Struts in Eclipse, and another half getting the samples to work in Tomcat. I'm out of sorts. And my head hurts from trying to understand the Struts documentation. I know I can use any web application model but I want this on my resume, ok? Sure beats freaking Tapestry.

I want a copy of Juliana Hatfield's Become What You Are album. I've missed it ever since I lost the cassette tape. Hopefully my friend can find it in Hong Kong or Sydney.

There's another party here tomorrow so my dad is practicing on the Magic Mic by himself. As Spike puts it, quoting Nike: Personal bests don't happen by chance. But someone's got to tell him "Skyline Pigeon" is a little too ambitious.

I have this nagging "fear" that I'll see my former company's US (ex-)partners on American Idol. I'm fearful that I'll laugh my head off and explode.

With any luck I'll have not one, but two movie 'dates' this weekend and next week. 'Dates' are in quotes for legal reasons. But I'm excited, I admit it. Doesn't happen too often, you know?

I really, really want a Wacom tablet and pen. And I hope it comes with a free bag of inspiration. Because I'm all run out, and I want to add to my DeviantArt account.

There's ain't much activity on this side of the blogosphere, I'm beginning to notice. You guys still alive? Let's go out! Life's too short, and forgetting too long.

Smug

I absolutely hate it when people, nay, friends I know turn smug. In fact, when I turn smug I am giving you all permission to slap me silly. People should just say they're happy, enjoy it, and move on. Whatever answers or successes you may think you have, it only came after a long, long line of failure so don't give me any shit, ok? I've been there once or twice around, and all I can say is that all it does is make people meaner.

That's all.

I guess I should be more understanding. But understanding cuts both ways, don't it? I've had it up to here with understanding. Smug, jesus.

Now that's all.

18 and Unbeatable. Neither Of Which I Am

I attended a debut last Saturday. Not really against my wishes coz I had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, but I didn't know anyone there. We were only there as a family because my parents had roles or something, and they're college(?) friends with the debutant's parents.

Looking at 18-year olds in depressing on so many different levels. I'd want to go into each level in detail, but someone said I was beginning to sound like a grumpy old man, so I'll stop right here.

Not quite. If you haven't read between the lines of most of these posts, let me fill you in: A part of me wishes I were eighteen again. The rest of me? Wishes I were sixteen.

I'll try to come up with better posts, for both our sake's.

In other news, our ABL team is 2-0 for the first time in franchise history. No thanks to me, of course, because I'm not playing. Of course, you can look at it this way: my lack of involvement is the key to the team's success! Hooray for me! But seriously, I can't contribute to these things coz I have a very low basketball IQ. To illustrate: my favorite player, all-time? John Levell Starks, NYK-SG for most of the 90's. Keeps both teams in the game.

P-A-R-T-Why? Because I Gotta!

Well, I guess I owe this blog a play-by-play of Friday's party, after I've been bitching about it all the time last week.

First things first, the guests. I managed to fill my house with people and I don't even know how that happened. Everyone seemed to confirm at the same time that very afternoon, so I was a nervous wreck trying to see if I had enough food (yes) and beer (no). Good thing the people who came don't really eat a lot, and some came claiming they already had dinner. But the food got props, so I'm happy, even if I had nothing to do with it.

The rule about actors never wanting to work with children and animals also apply to parties. I really don't like it when a party gets schizophrenic and there's an adult table and a kiddie table. I wasn't counting on the kids of my cousin to stop by. I mean, kids don't really enjoy Garden pasta and freaking Fish in Pesto, do they? Good thing WWE was on, took their attention while they were here.

People from IRIS came, and I was totally not expecting it. So much so that I had no place to seat everyone at one time. Dinner by rotation, is what happened. But for some reason there were no seating problems around the Magic Mic. Kunwari pa kayo.

Cmen '95 came in (almost) full force, so that was cool. That also meant I was stocked short on beer and ice. One thing we didn't run low on was music. Until 4 AM. iPod + 2.1 speakers = party. And pointing out embarrassing mp3 collections.

At around 1 AM there was a fire about 3 blocks away from my house. So everyone rushed out to see the uh, action. Hope no one was hurt. Is firefighting really just sped up by cool camera angles on TV and the movies? Coz the firefighting that night was agonizingly slow. Not really condemning that because I'm no hero; just asking.

Thanks to all who attended, and for those who didn't, too bad! You missed Edward score a perfect 100 on "Somewhere Down The Road".

So all in all, an incredible success. I owe it all to me, for making it sound like an inevitable failure! My work here is done.

Shakedown 1979

I'm actually typing this 3 days after my birthday, but it will say Friday, January 21, 2005 on this post. It's kind of like time travel, except its largely ineffective. If I could travel through time, 'blogging' would be the last thing on my mind.

Sit And Drink Pennyroyal Tea/Lessons From the Detroit Pistons

God's gift to me is the weather. Which in turn gives KC the chance to wear her Robert-Palmer-backup-girls' boots more often. My cup runneth over :)

A couple of hours before turning 26. I really wanted to be out tonight, but no one will oblige. I guess I'll do the countdown myself, while watching The Fifth Wheel. Loser, not for watching the Fifth Wheel (,which is strangely compelling) , but for actually having a countdown. What if I just sleep through tomorrow? Highly possible, given I'm already asleep more than half the day.

In case anyone was wondering, this is the lesson learned from this year's Detroit Pistons:

Someone at FoxSports.com said that the World Champion Pistons, in thinking that they can turn their defense on and off in time for the postseason, are living in a fantasy. And it's true. Some things you just can't turn on and off like a light switch. The last time I could honestly say that I could turn "it" (whatever it is) on was high school. College was a different story, and it's been like that ever since. A loss of control. Some things, no matter how hard you try or how strongly you feel about it, is simply not up to you. And that's scary, if you've gotten used to the idea of winning.

Come to think of it, that's the same lesson we got from the Lakers for the past 2 seasons. I love sports metaphors.

(I just realized that point will be moot if the Pistons do end up winning back-to-back, and I'll end up looking like a complete idiot. But then again, it's not up to me.)

Someday You'll Be Cool

That last paragraph from that last post was a little too season-six Carrie Bradshaw for my taste. Arrrghhh. I can almost see the cursor and the Mac-keyboard typing noise. Almost. Haha Macintosh. Asa pa.

Instead of going straight to sleep the other night to wake up early for art class I chanced upon The Good Girl at 1 AM. I'm in love with Zooey Deschanel, bad makeup and all.

And I met up with Rommel after art class to talk about, well, how far or unfar we've gotten. Catching up, basically. Keeping in with the comic book theme, I'll just say: the more things change, the more they remain the same.

I'm done with the proposal, hope it passes so I can get to working on the system. Excited ba?

The Worst Of Both Worlds

I'm sad. I'm not supposed to be; I had a great time outside with one of my ex-officemates and really that was what I wanted for the day all along, right? "A cup of coffee, a couple of smokes, and good conversation. You and me and five bucks." (Don't take that literally please, it's from Reality Bites. But you get the point.)

I guess talking about the past depressed me a little bit. Okay, a lot bit. Add that to the feeling that no one is coming on Friday (which I can't shake, sorry) and you've got an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I really should loosen up. Hey, don't get me wrong, I like talking about that stuff. But usually there's beer around to soften blows when memories hit me like this. :) <- Very faint smile.

But with no beer, and no videoke versions of Cama de Rosas, I can't loosen up, and the more I think about it, the more I've got grounds to feel like I do. (So don't think about it, you might say. At which point I will tell you, you don't know me at all!)

Growing up, Hollywood gives us two stereotypes: the successful businessman with shit for a personal life, and the unambitious slacker with plenty of companionship. Is it possible that I may have the worst of both worlds? In the desperate search for the complete and utterly perfect life, do we end up with nothing at all?

Choose Your Own Blog Post

How's this for an interactive blog? I'll let you decide on what to read about: You can choose between "How no one is coming to my party on Friday" or "Lessons from the Detroit Pistons". If you chose "How no one is coming to my party on Friday" read on. If you chose "Lessons from the Detroit Pistons" you're obviously guilty about not going to my party so fuck off.

I never learn. I held about a party a few years back and about 5 people came. Last year much more went, but still there was way too much food and too many people I invited apparently had better things to do. And this week? This week my ex-officemates have actually pre-empted not going, as if the decreased turnout is going to save me money. That's not the point, see? I know I don't have a heck of a lot of friends, but I'd like to think the friends I do have are close ones who make the freaking effort to drop me a line once in a while.

Is it just me? I keep complaining about how there's nothing to do, and if there's ever anything to do it costs too much. Now here's an opportunity to have a nice fucking dinner and some nice fucking alcohol and still all I hear is "try". Come on! The next time someone complains about how we don't see each other anymore or how nothing ever happens I'm going to shove a bottle of Gato Negro up their ass.

Am I just in a different place from where everyone is? I know I'm not married/attached /giving birth so no, I don't know what it's like to leave the kids alone at home. Yes I'm bumming around so I'm not really really tired at the end of 5 days work. But I do know this: "Kung gusto, may paraan." That's one thing I learned from all those nights drowning in alcohol.

Maybe I'm just lonely and tired and turning 26. But you're not making things any easier.

For those who are coming, thanks. Coz I really do miss you all, and I mean it when I say it.

(Remember what I said about sounding like an angry fifteen year-old? This is different. This is my impression of an angry nine year-old.)

In accordance with the Feast of the Sto. Nino, a touching message that includes children:

At the risk of sounding like an angry fifteen-year old (which I most of the time do), sometimes this planet just bites. Like today. Filled with: adults who act like children, children who act like adults who act like children, smart-alecky fucks, fucks with injured pride, bad songs, 70's songs (in case some of you out there don't equate it with bad songs), people who claim to love music but are forever limited to Donna Summer on their 6-CD changer, cellphones ringing in church, people who can't spell, fucking job uncertainty, and people who bring up fucking job uncertainty.

I'm tired. Quick, a list of things that felt good in the last 24 hours to cheer me up:

1. Betsy's Spaghetti at Grams
2. Lechon Macau at Next Door, Makati Ave
3. Lounging out at the Blue Room, Malate
4. Regular Coke
5. Intelligent SMS responses from a friend
6. The cool night air

Okay that helped. At least a little.

Friday, And I'm Ready To Swing. Or Not.

It's Friday. Where the hell is everybody?

The dumbest thing just happened this morning. Half of my room and the hallway outside is out of power. As in short-circuited. That's the half that houses the PC, the radio, the TV and the fan. The half that was spared? Houses the guitar amp. So I've been playing guitar all day. The PC's now connected by a room-length extension cord. These things only happen to me.

And today was the day I needed to do some HTML and Java stuff on the PC. I may get a gig doing a small system for a small company, if I find the strength to do the proposal. I'm not good at proposals, as you all know. Hopefully it pushes through coz I need the cash and the practice. I need to flex my programming muscles (yuck).

Where the hell is everyone? I need to go out. Makati out. I've been playing guitar all day. As an added incentive for anyone who's watching to ask me out, I'm feeling ridiculously honest. I will answer anything. But not online. What are you, nuts?

Windows XP does not disappoint. And that's not a good thing.

Good news: I'm on XP and all that entails with all the pretty little icons and the fading ins and outs. Bad news: My scanner's not working and I get the blue screen of death intermittently. Something about DRIVER_IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL. The hell.

Some would say the choice is clear. But them pretty little icons....!

I'll see if I can fix it though. But enough geekspeak, what's been up? Actually between fixing this damn thing and job "hunting" there's really not much up. Art workshop's started again, so that's cool. And finally got to speak to the resident piece of eye-candy. So that's progress, at least once a week. I'm moving and closing in with the speed of, well, me.

I've also updated my DeviantArt account that's been sitting idly and empty for about 5 months now. I'll only link to it when it's done. But the smarter ones can guess the URL anyway.

Upgrading to XP, please wait....

And RAM was the freaking problem, so I'm P2,700 (plus service) short. Wanted: high-paying, low-stress job, like 'Lego technician'.

Windows update and dodging internet virii is a freaking juggling act.

Alwyn pointed out that there's a Villman computer shop and repair at West Ave. Such a geek. But yay! I've decided that I need professional help. For my computer, I mean.

I've also sent out my resume to some people. Why the sudden burst of inspiration? Because I can't possibly pay for the computer repair and/or parts, a sports jacket, iPod accessories, the DSL account and gas with my savings. And to cheer myself up yesterday I bought the Kitchie Nadal album. It's actually quite good, especially in terms of production value. In fact, I find it a bit bitin because by the time you get to Bulong you realize it's only got 2 songs left. And Kitchie looking the way she does has absolutely nothing to do with the purchase. Okay, maybe a little. Okay.

Hopefully the next time I have a post my computer will quit restarting by itself.

Dark Phoenix Knows Nothing Of Love!

I'm deeply depressed. Okay, maybe not deeply, but boredom intensifies depression to a similar degree. I'm kind of sure of the reason(s), which is a good thing. The bad thing is that it's a little abstract and, well, incriminating that I can't say it out loud or express it clearly.

Which is frustrating, and I have little choice but to take my mind off it. I'm done with the book I was reading, and I'm not scheduled to buy one for another month. Financial issues, you see. Did I promise a post about comic books? Hmmmm.

Well, I've reread the Dark Phoenix Saga. Not much to talk about there that hasn't already been discussed in dens and conventions everywhere. But I realize despite how many times I read it, I'm always touched (yes, by a comic book) by the last pages where the Watcher explains to the Recorder what had happened. I'm also wondering, where the hell was Iceman? Beast and Angel managed to insert themselves into the storyline so the last issue of the series seemed like a homecoming of sorts. I guess Claremont doesn't really like him. I also hear he's gay. (Iceman, I mean, not Claremont.) Obviously I haven't bought an X-title in years.

I also realize that the team that fought Dark Phoenix and Proteus and the Brood and those that were around at the trial of Magneto will always be the Webster definition of the typical X-Men team., even if I grew up with a team that was lead by Storm and showcased Wolverine, Psylocke, Gambit etc. I miss Jubilee, though :)

How was this post less embarassing than talking about my depression and incriminating myself? I'm beginning to wonder. Hard to believe, but you'll just have to trust me.

MJM Comics In The House

Woke up with a hangover and from a bad dream. And the song that was playing in my head the second I woke up was "Liwanag Sa Dilim". Good god! Where did that come from?!?

In case you were wondering in my dream I was walking around what looked like a mall and I was eating plastic/glass rulers and coughing up the bits. Like those Orion ones from grade school. Good god! Where did that come from?!?

Why is it so hard to ask my ex-officemates out for a drink/movie/coffee/dancing/anything?!? Not just now, but even at the time I was working with them. I see all my friends at other companies and they hang out, why can't we? You'd think I was asking them to drop everything and go with me on some Arctic expedition. It's only Starbucks, for crying out loud.

And since I got a little webpage-time over at Rommel's I'm thinking I should return the favor. Not that I'm gonna draw or anything (good god no). I haven't really drawn anything in 10 years. Rommel is an old chap from grade school at the venerable Lourdes School of Quezon City where we spent 3 years as classmates. We were friends at the time when comics meant John Byrne and Todd McFarlane and not Roy Lichtenstein (does it ever?). And yes, drawing meaningless machinery is meditative. That's why I turned out so cool and composed. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Good one, if I do say so myself.

I'm actually glad he stayed true to comic books and art in general. This makes me want to make a post about comic books. In fact, this makes me want to write a comic book, but posting's easier for now. Anyway, when we graduated from grade school I hightailed it to the Ateneo and he went to LaSalle GH. But then he went to Ateneo for college so all is forgiven :) (Comic drum fill here: Tagadag-Pssssh!!!)

Incapacitated

That's it. My PC's life is hanging on by a thread. I've been backing my files up since last night and I'm still not finished. Maybe I should just say goodbye to all this adult-related content :)

And then what? I don't even know what's wrong with it anymore. Between getting it fixed and buying new parts I'd rather get new parts, but I don't know which parts aren't working! My money's on the motherboard, though. I've burned 6 data CD's and I had to restore my iPod to factory settings so I had enough space to store the rest. And I was having so much fun with my linux-running 'pod.

I had an essay in my head last night, about my friend who's going through a very rough patch. If only I had the presence of mind to write it down. That's me, the best writer you'll never read.

Did I say sometime ago that I should be more forthcoming? Fine.

***, I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have an idea. This is what I was talking about before, about you not knowing how it feels, and now you do, although it's probably a hundred times worse than I had it, it's still made of the same stuff: betrayal, disappointment and anger and a whole array of emotions that will annoyingly make all those stupid cliche pop songs make sense. You're probably getting an idea that somehow I'm happy about what's happened, for the record I'm not, but I am interested to know how you'll handle it, coz God knows I was terrible at it. I'm still terrible at it, but you have the luxury, for lack of a better word, of knowing what not to do. And if you fall into the same traps (because nothing incapacitates like heartbreak), no one will blame you, especially not me.

Tara na, sakyan lang, malay mo

Finally finished my resume. It took me 2 months to finish, now it will take me another two to just want to start handing it out. I'm still ambivalent at the whole working thing, especially since lately all I hear from my ex-officemates is how crappy things are/have gotten. I know I have to eventually but I will hang on this vacation for as long as I can. Are there any part-time gigs out there?

The song from the Coke ad is playing in my head, and the title of this entry are the only lyrics I can remember. Arrrrggghhhh. But currently the award for ad that makes me want to buy the product every time I see it is the ad for is KFC.

Duh

On my way home I saw a GMA news van at the local Petron gas station and I was thinking "What sort of news are they going to get at a gas station?" Then I realized it was filling up for gas. Duh. I'm such a genius.

In a cruel twist, Flickr stopped working and Hello started emailing the verifications. I smell a conspiracy. I've had it with this photohosting mafia. If you want to see pictures of Europe go buy a coffee table book.

But I will give a list (of course) of things I'll remember the most, in no particular order:

1. Brussels Jazz Festival - Amazing timing. Of course now I don't know how Brussels looks like on a normal evening.
2. The National Gallery in London - Seeing a picture of a Degas will never be the same.
3. Eiffel tower at night - That's 10 PM, when the sun sets.
4. First time to see snow at the top of Mt. Titlis
5. Car festival in Velden, Austria - what luck!
6. San Marco Square at night, string quartet and all
7. Getting blessed by the Pope in St. Peter's Square on Ascension Sunday
8. The Sistine Chapel - No pics though, bawal
9. Montmartre
10. Valley of the Forum
11. Walking up and down Champs-Elysees
12. All the Mozart and Klimt stuff in Vienna
13. Cute temperamental self-service snack-bar Italian chick
14. The Trevi fountain and trying to nonchalantly throw coins in it as part of that stupid true love superstition.
15. The Uffizi gallery (the outside only, though. Didn't have enough time)

My PC is suffering from something I don't know what. Memory fails on startup, odd .dll's are missing at odd times, random programs that used to work suddenly don't and then work again, and the Administrator login crapped out. What the hell is going on? Some IT consultant I am.

Millennium

First post using Flickr. This is a drawing I made when the world turned 2000 AD. Think I was looking forward to this decade?
(Hey at least this works. Coolness.)

Photo-hosting wanted

Hello says it'll send me an email verification but it never does. Ah hell. Time to try out Flickr.

I'm halfway through High Fidelity and I'm noticing similarities between two of my favorite books (Generation X by Douglas Coupland being the other one). Both lead characters are quite down on their luck (though Andy Palmer is in it by choice). Both feel that the (recent) past is way better than anything we have now. Both equate pop culture (as flawed and as self-serving as it is) with life. God, it's scary that it's this easy to approximate who I am.

A cousin reminded me that there used to be tan m&m's, but they had to discontinue them to give way for the blue ones. Wala lang, just decided you all should know.

I really should start doing the European recollection tour I promised, but Hello isn't working. Crap.

Epiphany

24 hours into the new year and I'm up to my old tricks again. I went to the mall with no clear plan and no idea what I was going to do, all because I was bored on a Saturday night. I really should quit these forays into the unknown. Luckily I ran into someone I knew who unluckily had to go home at around the same time...

I was supposed to see a few friends at a hotel, but I didn't feel like hanging out at a hotel the first night of the year. Just doesn't feel nice. If I wanted 3 friends in a nice classy environment, I'd hang out in my newly-painted room with 3 books.

2005 is off to a (relatively) bad start.